What you didn't see in Final Fantasy 7
by Mage-Chan212
Summary: have you ever noticed that there is something wrong with all the members of Avalanche in the final fantasy game? Well this is the thing they never showed up, Avalanche and co's therapy seccesions. God save us all.
1. Chapter 1

_**I have completely lost my mind, I am working on the Advent Children Spoof 2 and now here comes a lot of random little short stories about what you didn't see in Final Fantasy 7, its so freakin hilarious, this is bases off a drawing, a flash, and now a soon to be story that a couple of friends and me came up with. SO I hope you enjoy it because this is written for my own entertainment not yours. **_

_**Ok first this is a disclaimer for this short funny story. I will tell you that this is just random stuff about what you didn't see in final fantasy 7, this is kinda like the final fantasy spoof but each short story I will post goes into each different character in the story, I'm confusing you aren't I?**_

_**Anyway this short story is about Barret and his problems while being in final fantasy 7. **_

_**Didn't you ever notice that there was something wrong mentally or physically with each character in the final fantasy series? **_

_**For example Barret suffers Tourette's syndrome which means he'll start randomly cussing.**_

_**Nobody in this story belongs to me except the therapist which is me, grins.**_

_**On with the story.**_

_**Mage21**_

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_**Barret and the Therapist **_

_Document 1, subject Barret Wallace, occupation: member of Avalanche. _

You may be wondering why I even bothered to write my visitors name down, well I'll tell you, I am a simple therapist living in Kalm, I do my job and pay my bills, and just about anything else you could think that a good citizen would do, but one question always lingers on my mind when I think about my experiences with Avalanche. What the hell are they on and where can I get some? I mean I've met some nutters before in my life but never like these. Barret Wallace was the first of my nightmares, I was hoping he would be my last but the word on the street was that I could do miracles with certain cases, what caused them to come here I may never or want to know but whatever it was it must have been pretty bad because following Wallace's visit was the Exhibition-General of Shinra himself, Sephiroth, but that is another story right now it is half past noon my client should have been here thirty minutes ago.

"Damn it Tifa I don't want to go talk to a loony doctor." I sighed yup that's him. I growled and drank some more of my coffee with people like this you have to put your feelings behind you, juts like my last client Vincent Valentine, but then again that is another story entirely.

"Hello Mr. Wallace about time you deiced to show up." I comment lightly as he snorted at me and shot me a bird.

"Come on now Mr. Wallace its not my fault you're here I'm just doing my job by helping you release your inner child out and letting it be sailing free across the seas and."

"Shoving a cork screw up your ass." He commented lightly before my eyes darkened.

"Now, now I see that your inner child is angry isn't that right Mr. Wallace." He snorted and said nothing. God this was starting out just fine how in God's name were you suppose to be able to communicate with someone who doesn't even want to be here? God help me what did that stupid book say that I read the other day.

**_When in doubt do what your client does or wants_**

What on earth does that mean?

**_You went to collage figure it our genius! It means play mind games with them._**

Ah, yes the mind games always seemed to work with some of my others maybe it would be enough to crack this black man that looked just like Mr. T.

"Barret? May I call you that?" He nodded and I grinned. Good at least he will let me drop the formalities. "Allow my to introduce myself I am Dr. Jones, Ashley Jones if you will. I know you don't want to be here obviously but you have two hour secession with me today and it isn't going to get any easier unless we discuss your problems, get then out of the way then we can talk about more interesting things, like what you do in Avalanche." He seemed to except that answer I smiled and pulled out a piece of paper and pen.

"I was once a mother f&$$$&&&((&$$$&&&&&&&)(&$$&())(&$$#&(()))(&$$$&()(&$#!" my glasses fell off my face as I stared at the man in horror.

"Mr. Wallace?" I asked shakily as he spat around and continued his long string of cuss words.

"Mother&$& Cid&$&& and that vampire boy&$#$&(( don't even get me started on that brat Yuffie." He noticed what he had done and grinned sheepishly at me as my mouth just hung open like a fishes.

"Well we have located the problem rather quickly haven't we Barret?" I asked regaining control of myself as he took a swallow of water that was sitting on the table in front of him. I loved my office. It had two chairs in the center, one which my client would lay on and tells me their problems, the other and much larger one was for me to lay on and draw, while pretending to listen to their problems. My desk had a wonder silver lining on it with all of Avalanche's names on it because secretly I was a fan girl.

"Ashley?" his voice cut through my thoughts as I quickly re adjusted my glasses.

"Please continue Mr. Wallace."

He grinned at me before starting again.

"Cid and Vincent were always hanging out together, at first I thought they were gay because they always hung out together, but then I always hung out with Caith Seith, who was a robot controlled by our enemy, and then mother &$#$&()()))(&$! #$&)()(&$#$#&&()())+(&$$()()+)((&&#$#&()()+()(+)(((&Y&$&&()()+)((&&&)(&((&)()(."

I sighed I knew what exactly the clients problem was.

'Are you finished Barret?" I asked kindly as he looked at his gun and then me. I gulped and regained my mono-tone voice.

"You suffer from the Tourette's Syndrome, now my suggestion is to-" A bullet went flying straight for my head and I ducked underneath my desk.

"YOU MOTHER F&&$&&( HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? ONLY TIFA CAN DO THAT!(&$$&())(&&&&)()(&&(&)&)(&)(&()."

"SOMEBODY HELP ME AND GET THIS f CRAZY MAN OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!" I screamed as two of our biggest man came in and took Barret away. I gasped in relief and a brown headed girl came in.

"Sorry about him, Mrs.?"

"Jones." I replied as I fixed my glasses again.

"What seems to be the problem with our Barret?" she asked sweetly as I just stared at her.

Suddenly a voice rang out from the halls.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHATS WRONG WITH ME TIFA ITS THAT f DOCTOR THAT'S A NUT JOB TELLING ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME AND."

"BARRET THAT IS WHAT WE PAY HER TO DO!" the girl screamed back as I rubbed my temples.

Barret poked his head in the door.

"Really?"

"Yes, Barret Really." Tifa stated back as the two big guys' drug him off in a straight jacket to the nearest "hospital."

"Mr. Wallace has the Tourette 's syndrome, and that means, like he just clearly showed me, that whenever he is talking he will randomly start shooting out long and never-ending strings of cuss words.

"Is there nothing we can do?" Tifa asked as I slapped my forehead at this girl stupidity.

"Yes, there is one thing Don't talk to him and he won't cuss back. Good day." I said rudely as I shoved her out of my office and sighed. I was going to lose what little sanity I had left with these guys.

"So Ashley, how did the first one go?" my asstenctance asked as he brought me a pain killer pill and some food.

"First one?" I asked choking on some of my roll.

"Yea, you're booked for all of them for the next three weeks."

I said nothing but slowly took off my glasses as my right eye twitched.

"You want to know what I learned from my first client." I asked sweetly as he shook his head up and down.

I grinned at started yelling.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN (&$#$&&() THERE'S MORE OF THEM &$$&())&&( I CAN BARLY HANDLE ONE&$#$&()()(&)(&&(&&."

"I'll just leave your next clients boi right here." I gasped at myself and quickly regained my composer, and I thought my trouble was only beginning. I looked at the card name and sighed. This was going to be living hell.

**_Client Two, Subject :Sephiroth Hojo, Occupation: Super Evil Villain._**

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The end of my short story the next one will be were Sephiroth plays our therapist a visit.

Hope you enjoyed.

Mage21


	2. Meet Sephiroth

**_Chapter two: Insane, but sexy_**

_I can do this, nothing to it, nothing could possible be worse than that black Negro shooting bullets at me. I_ signed and drank a long draught from my morning cup of coffee. It was Tuesday; I hated Tuesdays just as much as I hated Mondays. I glanced over my client's bio again.

_**Sephiroth Hojo: human experiment **_

To be honest I wasn't suppose to go this deep into my clients files but seeing Barret in action I wanted to do a double check on everybody just to make sure that their were no more mishaps.

"Damn no wonder he's all fucked up." I whispered to myself as I scanned his file.

"Hello? Mrs. Jones? Sephiroth is here shall I lead him in?" my assistance called as I sighed and closed down the files and computer.

"Hell go ahead and send in the fucker." I stated calmly as he gaped at me like a fish.

"What? They rub off on me?" He quickly closed the door and a figure strolled into my office looking confused and lost.

"Why am I here?" he asked me gently as I felt the hairs on my neck raise.

"Because you have a problem that needs fixing." I stated as I put on my glasses and ran some long elegant fingers through my hair.

"I like your hair." He stated softly as I felt a blush run across my face.

"Eh, your too?" I said rather timidly trying to figure out what exact gender it was. It was built like a man, had a name like a man, but the face, hair and butt, and reminded me so of my own race. I shuddered the thoughts away. Maybe he's gay! Most gay men act weird so maybe it would explain a lot about the long silver hair and the tight black, leather pants, and the comment. Maybe but what the hell?

"Well Mr. Hojo." I started as he sat down in the seat I had put out for him.

"Please call me Sephiroth, General of Shinra." I stared at him for a moment. Shinra? That company had died out a long time ago? Maybe this guy thinks it's still alive! HA! This one was easier to crack then Barret and he's got the brain of a fish, very small.

"OK well then Sephiroth I think we should begin with ink blots. This is where I hold up a card and you tell me what you see on it ok?" He nodded and I grabbed the things out of the corner of my drawer.

"First one." I held it up and suddenly I noticed his eyes were glowing with a fervent excitement. IT scared me. He was gripping the edge of the chair like a child would wanting candy really badly.

"Destruction." He answered as he darkly awaited the next inkblot. "World being destroyed. Destruction. Destruction. Destruction. Destruction. Me standing over the destructed world with my mother, Jenova, by my side, and my father. Destruction. Destruction. Destruction."

Twenty minutes later.

"Destruction." I groaned and held up the last inkblot.

"Wait let me guess. Destruction?" He nodded and I threw the last one in the pile with the others. I quickly jotted down some notes and stared at the silver haired man over the very rim of my glasses. He continued to stare at his sword like it held some untapped power.

"It seems to me Sephiroth you had a very "Destructive" childhood, would you like to tell me about it?" I asked gently to him as he grinned and his mako green eyes locked with mine.

"I already know that they told you about me." He hissed in a deadly whisper as my glass fell off of my nose and a small clack sound rang out through the room.

"I want to hear it from you, Sephiroth, what other people tell me about my clients to not matter. It is what the client himself has to say." He raised a silver eyebrow before continuing.

"My father experimented on my mother, Lurcia, who turned into Jenova, then she gave birth to me, Sephiroth-soon-to-be-destroy-of-this-world."

I nodded and waited for him to continue but he didn't.

"And?" I asked as he stared at me with those cold mako eyes.

"And I will destroy the world with a big rock!"

"What?"

"And then I'm going to go to Vincent and make passionate love to him."

"Eh, wait Sephiroth I."

"Then I'll stab him through the heart with Mansumune, and then I'll have tea and cookies before my battle-to-the-death with Cloud, who is confused about who he is thanks to me, and." He stopped dead when I pulled out my black headband and began to rub my fingers over it, a nervous habit of mine.

"What?" I asked clutching the material closer to me.

"I hate that color." He stated getting up pulling out that freakin' long ass sword of his. Who in the hell let him come in here with a sword anyway? I have to make a mental note of this and fire whoever is guarding those doors, this fucker couldn't have snuck that in without anybody noticing it. I yelped and dove under my desk as he swung his sword and chopped my beloved custom-made chair in half.

"You bastard do you know how much that (&$$E cost I should call the (&&$ police of you &$&((&$&((&&(()(&(T&&&()."

He snarled and swung again this time chopping my desk in half. Barret was seriously starting to rub off on me.

I ducked again and reached for my phone in my pocket.

"Get the paramedics in here with some heavy ass shit of sleeping juice." I screamed as I rolled over behind the broken remains of my desk as I hear him let out an insane laugh and charge again. The color! He hates the color black but yet he's wearing it? This dude is seriously fucked up.

"I want you." He stated all of a sudden as I shrank back in horror as he dropped down beside me and his mouth came closer then what I had wanted it too.

"Eh, Sephiroth, Hojo? S-st-stay back! Look it's the color black you hate that color. AH its Vincent go make passionate butt raping love to him, AH!" a dart flung out of nowhere and he fell on top of me.

"GET THIS DAMN PHYSCO OFF OF ME YOU FUCKERS! HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO&$))((&&" Needless to say I was soon found standing outside my destroyed office watching them haul Sephiroth off to a mental hospital.

"You can use my office until they fix your up?" my secretary suggested as my eye twitched and fell of the sword poking out of the door.

"Wanna know what I learned from this one?" I asked gently as he gulped and I picked up the sword and swung it at him.

"DESTRUCTION, CHAOS! I WILL BE THE DESTORY OF THIS WORLD AND I WILL START WITH THIS FUCKING SHITTY JOB THAT I CALL MY LIFE, AND- I never finished my sentence because when I looked down a dart was stuck in my side.

"Insane fucker." I whispered before everything went black.

"Does she normally act like this?" Tifa asked as the secretary smiled.

"No she's acts like this all the time on rough days, now who are you scheduling?"

"Cid Highwind for Wednesday please?"

"I'll let Mrs. Jones know as soon as she wakes up."

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Lol pretty good ya? I thought it was anyway enjoy please send me feedback I love to get it. 


	3. Enter the Highwind

_**Been getting a lot of request on this story, so after long period of thinking I have deiced to continue it, even though some people (coughs) said it was a disgrace to the final fantasy genre, and it should have never been posted and that I sucked and.**_

_**Vincent: calm down.**_

_**Me (foaming at the mouth)**_

_**Leon: whatever**_

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_**Chapter Three: Enter the Highwind. **_

**Journal Log # 3: why in the hell did I listen to my mother? What possessed me to help people with their problems when I can't even help myself?**

**Barret was the first of my clients and I swear after him no more black people that have guns on their arms.**

**Sephiroth, my second client, never allow a long hair "guy" to ever step foot in this office again, without having proper guards to take away damn 50-foot long swords.**

**Cid Highwind, not much to know except he's coming to see me in today at three.**

**I sighed as I closed the notebook. It had been a week since I got out of the hospital from that damn dart those stupid bastard shot me with. The Doctor had said that they gave me an overdose ands it caused a chemical reaction in my body, and that my body was under a lot of stress and I didn't need to be doing whatever it was that caused the stress or I might not live to see tomorrow. Dying of stroke at my job, how fucking ironic.**

**Well things could be worse, my first order of business that I took care of was firing those damn guards that let that sword ruin my office, and I replaced them with smarter guards that knew what "Weapons" are. Second order of business was to re-fix and redecorate my new office. They fixed it while I was in the hospital, you would never guess who I was placed by while I was there, Barret and Sephiroth.**

**Barret was there for injuring himself trying not to talk to anybody and had somehow tried to shoot his tongue and missed and shot well, a spot that made even Sephiroth squirm. Sephiroth was there being in the same shit I was in, but his body could handle it a hell of a lot more than mine could, being all female and all. So he held up pretty well, the doctors said he seemed sane and all, boy did they have another thing coming. Last I heard they had locked him up in a padded room at " Mark's Home for Mental Madlads and Madladies, for chopping one of the doctor's arms off for wearing black. I consider myself lucky, all he did was ruin my office, and at least I still had all my body parts.**

I sighed again. I was bored out of my mind. Sitting there in my office day in and day out just wasn't cutting it for me. Instantly an image of Sephiroth swinging his sword around came to mind. Hee Hee, monkeys.

"Mrs. Jones?" I opened my eyes and glared at my secretary.

"Yo?" He gulped and forced a smile.

"Well, I figured since its fifteen minutes before your client arrives that you might want to look at these files on him." I nodded as he passed them on to me and walk out of the door. I licked my fingers and quickly scanned over the files. One in particular stopped me in my tracks.

**_Cid Highwind is also owner of the flying ship "The Highwind_" **

"Highwind?" I laughed and threw the silly idea out of my head. Surely he would do what I was thinking he'd do right? I mean after all, Cid couldn't be as dumb as Barret or Sephiroth could he? My laughter suddenly died as the sound of rushing air filled my ears.

"No, Hell no!" I screamed as I launched myself out of the chair and ran down through the hall.

"Mrs. Jones?" My secretary!

"Please tell me that I'm just hearing things!" I demanded as I shook him back and forth.

"What do you mean?" he asked as I released him at the sound of a car being smashed. I rubbed my temples and counted to ten.

"Heh, What of the odds of that being my Costume made Corvette, with that new $3,000 dollar paintjob I just go on it huh?" I asked him, as he turned pale and slowly melted into one of the other rooms.

Slowly, against my will, I walked outside and saw that airplane parked over my car, well on my car. My eye twitched as a man with yellow hair climbed out of the plane and adjusted his goggles.

"Hello how the fuck are you, I'm Cid Highwind." He extended his hand waiting for it to be shaken. A woman, Tifa, if I recall climbed out next and stood behind him. My right eye twitched again.

"You got somethin' in yer eye or something?" He asked as I bit back a nasty comment and forced a smile on my face.

"Pleasure to meet you." You only just took out about a 99,000-dollar car that took me forever to pay off.

"Follow me Cid, and let us begin." I said gently as they both followed me to my office.

"Yer sure you don't want somethin for that goddamn eye of yours?" He asked gruffly as I forced another smile and shook my head.

"Please sit." I motioned to one of the chairs as I took a seat behind my desk. I previously told Tifa to wait outside until his secession was done.

"So Mr. Highwind" I began as he took out a cigarette and started smoking. That's when I noticed just how many packs of cigarette's he had on him. A pack was attached to his goggles and seems to have smoke coming from them. Another on his belt, again more smoke, another at his ankle, again more smokes. This guys had to be the human cigarette no wonder he's all fucked up.

"Call me Cid, mother fucker." He hissed as he blew smoke in my face causing my eyes to water.

"Cid," I stressed out his name as he looked up from his packs and smiled. "How many years have you been smoking and how many packs to you smoke a day." His smile fell as it turned into an ugly snarl.

"What is this some kind of health clinic or something?" He shouted as I sighed and began to take notes on his behavior.

"No, Cid it might help me figure how what in the fuck is wrong with you." I said calmly as his mouth hung open and the lit cigarette fell to the floor, unnoticed by both him and me.

"Well, I smoke a good three packs and been smoking for the past ten years or so, I loose fucking count all that damn Shera, fault." I raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

"It seems to me that this women, Shera, may be the cause of most of your problems Mr. Highwind, care to elaborate on this theory?" I asked as he stopped smoking and gawked at me. I sighed. "Would you like to tell me why this Shera is the cause of all your problems?" He grinned again.

"It all started with the Shinra Space Program……"

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**(Three Hours later**)

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"And that's how it happened." He lit another cigarette.

"It seems to me that this "Shera" is somebody close to you, that is why you constantly deny her, and abuse her. ."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU TALKING ABOUT?" he screamed as the cigarette fell from his mouth onto my carpet.

"Well I think you should-" I stopped in mid sentence and felt my chair, it felt hot, too damn hot for my liking, suddenly as soon as that burn appeared on my hand, the realization hit me.

"**No, Cid it might help me figure how what in the fuck is wrong with you." I said calmly as his mouth hung open and the lit cigarette fell to the floor, unnoticed by both him and me. That damn fucker threw a lit cigarette in my office!**

"NO wonder Shera won't go with you. You're a stupid mother fucker who's a human chimney." I screamed in agony as I gathered up my things.

"What the fuck do you mean by-hey? What's that smell?" he asked as I glared at him and turned around. My chair and desk were burning in the huge flame that had been created by his damn cigarette, and seeing how the carpet was just redone it contained highly flammable objects.

"Shit." I muttered as I gather my notes and quickly shoved him out of the door.

I sighed and looked at my office, or what was left of it. Damn that Cid Highwind he will so pay with his damn cigarette!

"You can use my office again." My secretary said quietly as I sighed.

"Hey, you got some cigarettes?"

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lol, cute ending. Next up, Hojo. 


	4. Insane singing Hojo

_**WELCOME BACK! To yet another chapter of "What you didn't see in Final Fantasy VII" Today's topic Hojo! shivers Been having writers block, and updating other stories so I ignored this one but then got off my sorry butt and came back, after watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for hours on end I had another story idea! Won't be updating that one though not until I get it just right, but anyway on with the story.**_

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_**Chapter four: The Magic Stick**_

_Journal Entry: four_

_It's been a tough day. Office has been rebuilt, but I fear it will not last, Sephiroth's "Father" is dropping in today for his appointment. I've picked up a very bad smoking habit, but haven't reset the new office of fire. I had to go to the factory outlet store yesterday to order new furniture for the office, borrowing my secretary's right now. IT almost time for Mr. Hojo and god knows what he's going to be like._

_August, 23, 2005_

"You ready Mrs. Jones?" I forced a grin on my face.

"Show him in." I picked up some scattered papers around the desk as the door came open.

"Heh, hehehe. . . hehehehehehehehe.." I raised an eyebrow but didn't look up.

"Come in Mr. Hojo please have a seat." I heard the chair move. I looked up and my mouth dropped. There sitting in my chair, covered in blood, was a man. A man with long black hair, a scalpel in his right hand. His eyes were wide, like he was on something, probably was if he was in here.

"I like your foot." I forced another smile.

"Really? I like it too, just exactly were it is."

_Why in the hell did they let a man, covered, no CAKED! In blood come into my office with a scalpel! Oh dear go he's worse that Sephiroth! _

"Heh, so what's that all over your shirt Mr. Hojo?" I asked polity as his eyes glowed with excitement. "And what's in your hand?" I asked as his eyes narrowed at me slightly.

"This." He indicated with his other free hand. "Is the magic stick!" I raised an eyebrow.

"_I got the magic stick, oh yeah the magic stick!_

_It will slice you and dice you,_

_But that's ok,_

_You don't need any of those organs anyway,_

_I'll cut you up piece by piece,_

_Then watch you twitch and scream,_

_Cause I got the magic stick, oho!_

_The magic stick!"_

"Well, that's a very nice song Mr. Hojo." He beamed and hugged the bloody hand to his chest. "Well let's begin. Why did you become a scientist?" He giggled like it was the funniest question in the world.

"I like to cut people open." I smiled and wrote that down.

"Why is that?"

"Cause I like blood."

"…………………………………………………………"

"You know that the human needs blood to survive, of course you do you went to college right? It makes the human heart tick, I want to know where it comes from, what it does, why must humans have it to survive, these are the thoughts of a scientist, Mrs. Jones, do they have a right to call me insane for thinking like a scientist?" He asked as he stood up and took a step towards me. I glanced at my phone.

"No, they do not Mr. Hojo, but experimenting on people like that isn't they way to provide answers for these thoughts, its just inhuman." His eyes flared up and his nostrils thinned.

"You just like Valentine."

'Excuse me?"

"He never approved of experimenting on humans, like the Jenova project. He was in love with my wife! My wife willingly became apart of that experiment, and how dare he disapprove of my wife's decision!"

"Mr. Hojo should to me like your jealous of Mr. Valentine." I suggested lightly as he grinned and took a step towards me.

"He had an affair with my wife, and so I had to punish her, by making her apart of the Jenova Project."

"You punished her by making her go along with the project?" I asked as I slowly reached for the phone.

"Yes, I covered up her fears and told her she would be fine, she died while giving birth." Almost there! I was almost at the phone, only a few more. I picked it up.

_Silence._

"What?" I looked up and screamed in shock. Hojo was inches away from my face.

"Looks like the wire cut." My eyes widen as I looked at the phone line it was cut in half.

"You bastard! You mother fucking bastard! Why would you do something like that your horrible little piece of shit! I'll"

"I'll be taking your foot!" He announced as he stared pulling out vials of things from his lab coat, still covered in blood. I pulled back in my chair as he looked at his "Magic stick" and then my foot.

"You got the magic stick!"

"_I got the magic stick, oh yeah the magic stick!_

_It will slice you and dice you,_

_But that's ok,_

_You don't need any of those organs anyway,_

_I'll cut you up,_

_Piece by piece,_

_Then watch you twitch_

_And watch you scream,_

_Because I am insane,_

_I don't care if you tell on me,_

_Cause you won't be livin' soon_

_And that does not bother me,_

_When you're dead,_

_Not longer alive,_

_I'll take your body,_

_And drag it high,_

_Then let it drop,_

_Into the ground_

_With a crack,_

_That sickening sound,_

_And then I'll laugh,_

_And leave you there,_

_Then I'll go to the fair,_

_Three weeks later I'll come back,_

_To see if your body is still intact,_

_And if it is then that's great,_

_Cause then I will eliminate,_

_And what's left,_

_I'll take you home,_

_So that I can experiment on,_

_Because I am insane,_

_I don't care if you tell on me,_

_Cause you won't be livin' long,_

_And that doesn't bother me,_

_So when I through with you,_

_I'll let you sleep,_

_Through and through,_

_And when you awake,_

_Your scream in shock,_

_To see your body,_

_In a horrible knot,_

_Because I change you from man,_

_To a monster again,_

_And now you know,_

_Why I'm insane,_

_Why I'm killed in the game,_

"You add things on to it I see." I said as I backed up against the wall.

"I want your foot and waffles!" He lunged I screamed as I ducked and ran for the door. "Come back I want your foot!" I banged on the door for someone to open it anyone!

"Help me!"

I'm gonna getcha foot!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DUH WANNA DIE! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I clawed at the door only to have it blow up and send me flying across the room. A man with spiky blonde hair stepped into the room.

"THANK GOD! I screamed and I ran behind him and away from Hojo.

"Ah the failed experiment, what brings you here?" The man's blue eyes locked with Hojo's. His fingers twitched. Suddenly he drew……..

"I'm selling girl scout cookies." I feel over. "Want to buy some?" I smirked.

"Your Cloud Strife right?" He nodded and pushed the box into my hand. "Do you know who I am?" He shook his head no. "You got an appointment with me next week.

"You're the special lady Tifa wants me to talk too!" He grinned at me as I smiled.

"Yea, I am, now tell me how much are these cookies?"

"2.50 a box."

"Great I'll take three boxes then."

"I'll take four."

"Pleasure doing business with you two, see you next week." He waved as me and Hojo waved back.

"He's such a nice guy."

"Still a failed experiment."

"You don't say?"

"Yea, got a big problem."

"What kind?"

"You'll find out next week."

"oh."

"Mrs. Jones."

"Yea?"

"I still want your foot." The door was open I ran out of them with Hojo close behind.

"Call the men in white!" I commanded as my secretary nodded. No sooner had she called the came and took the insane scientist away. I took his magic stick.

"So what did this one have?" He asked as I smiled and started towards him.

"The magic stick." I lunged and he screamed.

"I can't believe you poked me."

* * *

Next up Cloud Strife.

Heh, hope you liked this chapter, I enjoy Hojo singing.


	5. Crazy Chocobo Man

**Welcome back.**

**The poor therapist had to take a little vacation before coming back so without further ado,**

* * *

Chapter Five: Crazy Chocobo Man 

_Munch. Munch. Munch. _

"Ah! Nothing like a girl scout cookie to calm the nerves."

"WARK!"

"Shut up."

"WARK" I pulled out another cigarette and lit it.

"Damn bird."

"You really shouldn't talk like that Mrs. Jones." My sectary came in carrying a small box of greens and sat it near the gold chocobo.

"I wouldn't be talking like this if I still had a car."

"The chocobo you've raised goes just as fast." He tried to reason as I slammed my hand down on the desk.

"The damn chocobo didn't cost as much as that fucking car did!" I roared and puffed another cigarette.

"That just shows that you shouldn't put so much money in material things." He muttered as I pulled out the "magic stick". I grinned and stuffed another cookie into my mouth.

"You were saying?" I threw the scapel at him as he yelled and ducked into a pile of empty Girl Scout cookie boxes.

"Nothing at all Mrs. Jones." He brushed himself off as I looked at the rain outside. "You haven't forgotten about your meeting today with Cloud Strife." I raised an eyebrow and quickly thumbed through my notes that lay scattered across the desk.

"Cloud Strife? Why does that sound oddly familiar?" I asked out loud as my secretary threw an empty box at me." You damn mother fucker wait until I get my magic stick on your ass!" I started to cough violently as he grabbed the pack of cigarettes out of my hand.

"Read the label." I glanced down as my rolled my eyes and remembered my secession with Hojo.

"_I'm gonna getcha foot!"_

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DUH WANNA DIE! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I clawed at the door only to have it blow up and send me flying across the room. A man with spiky blonde hair stepped into the room._

"_THANK GOD! I screamed and I ran behind him and away from Hojo._

"_Ah the failed experiment, what brings you here?" The man's blue eyes locked with Hojo's. His fingers twitched. Suddenly he drew…….._

"_I'm selling girl scout cookies." I feel over. "Want to buy some?" I smirked._

"_Your Cloud Strife right?" He nodded and pushed the box into my hand. "Do you know who I am?" He shook his head no. "You got an appointment with me next week._

"_You're the special lady Tifa wants me to talk too!" He grinned at me as I smiled._

"_Yea, I am, now tell me how much are these cookies?"_

"_2.50 a box."_

"_Great I'll take three boxes then."_

"_I'll take four."_

"_Pleasure doing business with you two, see you next week." He waved as me and Hojo waved back._

"_He's such a nice guy."_

"_Still a failed experiment."_

"_You don't say?"_

"_Yea, got a big problem."_

"_What kind?"_

"_You'll find out next week."_

"Strife Delivery Service. That's self-explanatory right there an Ex-hero selling Girl Scout cookies is so not a booming business to be in." I sighed and looked up at the clock. It was almost ten til eleven. I suddenly heard a familiar sound of an airship and just closed my eyes as I heard a car alarm go off. "Go see which one he hit this time." He nodded and I heard him quickly go over to the window. His gasp of agony and pain made my lips twitched.

"WARK!"

"Who's car was it?"

"WARK! WARK!"

He paled and looked up at me. I sighed and stood beside the window. I soon found myself grinning as I petted the chocobo on the head lightly.

"You shouldn't spend so much money on material things." I repeated as he slowly walked out of the door. "I suggest smoking great way to relief stress." He nodded as I threw him one of my extra packs. It wasn't that long before the doors opened and there stood Cloud Strife.

"You ate all the cookies?" He asked as I sighed and my eyes widen in horror as Cid stepped in behind him.

"OUT!" Cloud nodded and started to walk out.

"NOT YOU! HIM! THE LIVING CIGERETTE!" Cid puffed and flicked the bud on the ground that started a small fire.

"NO!" I shouted as Cloud threw a empty cookie box on it only adding to the rapidly growing fire.

"SIT!" I screamed as Cid and Cloud sat. I growled and grabbed my black jacket off the wall and smothered the flame with it.

"OUT!" They both got up and started towards the door. "Fuck you!" I screamed and threw a box that hit Cloud in the head. "Cloud you stay. Cid get the hell out of my sight!" I bellowed as Cloud sat and Cid ran off. I picked up the jacket and grinned before placing it in Cloud's hand. "Cloud be a dear when Cid comes back to get you tell him to go to Sephiroth and give him this jacket. Black is his favorite color." Cloud grinned from the floor and nodded.

"WARK!"

"Shut up!"

"wark." My eyes nearly popped out of my head as Cloud "warked" again.

"WARK"

"wark."

"WARK!WARK WARK!"

"wark, wark, wark, wark."

WARK!"

"wark, wark."

"Cloud?" He looked up and waved. I waved back and patted the chair in front of my desk.

"I like chocobos."

"I can see that."

"So Cloud tell me about yourself and your job." I took out a clipboard and pen as I waited for him to continue.

"I like chocobos." I nodded and wrote that down. I stopped as I found him leaning over the desk craning his neck like a chocobo to look at my golden bird the corner eating greens.

"I like to breed chocobos. I only got a black one. How did you get a gold one? What kind of female and male did you use? Did you call Hojo to help you? Is that why you only bought three boxes of cookies from me?" I blinked once, twice, three times.

"Gold chocobos come from a black male and a great "yellow" female. Hojo was here the same reason you are. You. Need. Help." He looked up slowly before his eyes watered and he looked at me.

"I never meant to!" Sephiroth jabbed her so fast. It was like in and out like that! Her screaming and those green eyes glaring at me."

"Cloud?"

"My name's not Cloud. It's Zack. Or is it Zlacd. Or is it Clad? Or Snack? I have no idea who I am!" I tapped the clipboard and continued to watch him as he fell out the chair and curled up into a small ball.

"It seems that you suffer from identity crisis." Cloud pulled at his hair as he warked softly.

"I might recommend staying with someone close to you for care."

"WARK!"

"wark, Wark." I sighed and slowly pulled out a green for my chocobo. "WARK!" Cloud lunged at he with his mouth stretched out. I screamed and flung the "magic stick" at him.

-------

"Don't worry Mrs. Jones I'm sure Zac-Cloud will be fine." The girl nodded as they put him in the back of the ambulance to go off to the hospital. I rubbed the back of my neck in a sheepish fashion as Cid nudged me in the side. I grinned and lit his cigarette as both of us took a nice long puff. "Thank you for all your help." I nodded and quietly went back to my desk and propped up. I looked at the chocobo for a second.

"Wark."

WARK!"

"Wark."

"WARK"

"wark."

"Mrs. Jones?"

"yea?"

"Are you, uh, talking to your chocobo?" I nodded.

"Yup."

"ok, uh, next week…"

"Who is it?"

"Yuffie."

"WARK!"

* * *

**How much more can somebody take? Hope you guys enjoyed chapter 5. NO I haven't forgotten about this story just trying to finish up one at a time.**

**Mage-Chan**


	6. Big shiny Balls

_Welcome to chapter five. Thanks guys for all the reviews you're all too kind._

* * *

**Chapter five: big shiny Balls**

"Mrs. Jones?" I raised my head from the desktop and looked at him. He slowly edged towards the desk and gently put a piece of paper in front of me.

"What's this?" I asked as I flicked the cigarette in the wastebasket. He cringed and made sure that he was far away and out of his bosses reach.

"Cloud's medical bill. It seems Hojo's scalpel hadn't been cleaned and Cloud was infected with a new type of disease called Geostigma." I glanced down at the bill and laughed.

"That's it? Please my car cost more than that. You can go down there this afternoon and pay them in cash." He bowed and left the room.

"What in the hell is Geostigma?" The chocobo just looked and me and warked. A gentle knock at the door stirred my attention from the bill to the tall dark man standing in the slightly ajar door. I raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. His expression told me it was best to keep my mouth shut.

"I don't wanna go Vinnie!" A high-pitched squeal reached my ears as I covered them with my hands.

"Damn!" I yelled as the man, who I assumed was Vinnie, seemed to nod in agreement. I stood up from my desk and quickly opened the door for the couple. I could only grin as I watched the dark man pull the girl inside.

"Hello." I said politely as I took out a cigarette from the pack and lit it. Her attention seemed to focus on the death rolled into a stick more than the dark man as both of them sat down on the chairs.

"Smokin's gonna kill ya one day." I blew a puff ring out of my mouth and grinned.

"Nasty habit I picked from Mr. Highwind." I replied as I made eye contact with those glowing red orbs. It un-nerved me how he could go so long without blinking. It didn't take long before I looked away at the sound of my chocobo squawking at the girl.

"Why do you have a chocobo in your office?" She asked I felt my eye twitch a little as I forced a smile.

"Mr. Highwind deemed it necessary to park his airship on my car." Her mouth dropped open as the man's eyes widen in shock. I grinned and gently sat down behind the desk.

"My papers say I only have to see Yuffie, so you must be Mr. Valentine." Yuffie looked at my like I was some sort of god.

"How didya know who Vinnie was?" I drummed my fingers on the desk never taking my eyes from her.

"It wasn't that hard to figure out. I don't remember there being any other dark, scary, gunslinger in Avalanche." Sarcasm dripped from my words as I quickly started typing on the computer waiting for Vincent to leave. He sat there and continued to stare at me. "I'm not going to bite you." I said taking my eyes away from the monitor and quickly grabbed my notepad and pencil.

"I am here for moral support." He spoke in a soft voice. I nodded and pointed towards the door.

"You may show your moral support from outside of that door. It makes communicating with our patents much easier." His face-harden as he slowly got up. I watched as Yuffie gripped onto his arm and cried into his shirt.

"Please don't leave me Vinnie!" He considered staying but decided against it.

"Be good Yuffie." He gently closed the door as I grinned and quickly pulled out a box of leftover Girl Scout cookies.

"Want some?" I asked as she snatched the box away from me and started eating. I leaned back in the chair and watched her. "What's that in your pouch?" I should have never asked. God how could I have been so damn stupid.

"Big shiny balls!" She sprayed me with cookie bits as I smiled sweetly at her.

"Ok."

"No really I've been collecting them over the years! I got red ones, and green ones, even blue! Their big and shiny, and they jingle when you hit them together." My eyebrow twitched, as the pencil in my hand broke in half. I stared at the girl in shock.

"You collected balls?" She nodded her head happily as I continued to stare.

"What it's completely normal." _Like hell it is. _I thought to myself as I heard a cough from the doorway.

"So you collect balls."

"Yes."

"Big."

"Yes."

"Shiny."

"Yes."

"Balls?"

"Yes." I wrote something down on the pad and looked out the window.

"Why do you collect them?" I asked while taking a sip of water.

"My dad needs them." The water sprayed the poor girl in the face as I stared at her in shock.

"You're dad needs that many balls! Whatever for?" She grinned and stood up and looked out the window before back at me.

"He sold his a long time ago."

"So you collect balls?"

"Yes."

"That are shiny."

"Yes."

"And different colors, and sizes I assume."

"Well some of the balls are incomplete and I have to grow them."

"Grow them?"

"Kinda like a plant only different." I tried not to imagine a plant of balls and her watering them.

"You collect them for your dad."

"Yes."

"Who lost his, because he sold them?"

"Yes."

"Well, I see no reason for you to be here."

"Really?" My right eye twitched.

"Yes, in fact you're perfectly sane. It's natural for a young girl your age to go after balls of various colors and sizes, a lot of teens go through what you're going through."

"They do?"

"Of course. You think you're immature in many ways, body wise, facial, etc. Most girls your age go after older ones, and you seem to be just going after them all. Just make sure you use protection ok?"

"Of course I use protection, what kind of girl do you take me for? I even take good care of them for my dad. Sometimes when he isn't looking I stroke their shiny surface."

"I see."

"Yup, I'm very skilled."

"That must be why you're with Vincent."

"Vincent?"

"You stroke his…"

"All the time! He gets mad sometimes though, but he always get them back."

"Cloud's got the good ones. His are mastered."

"Mastered?"

"Yea, Vincent's are still in development but when theirs mastered they'll be worth a bunch of money."

"Tifa's are developing too."

"MS. LOCKHEART!"

"Yea, no need to shout, everybody has them."

"Ms. Lockheart has developing balls?"

"Yea, she wants me to help her master them." I looked at the clock.

"Well, uh, Ms. Yuffie, it seems our time together has run out, please you know where the door is."

"Vinnie!" She yelled as the man walked in slowly. I stared at him with a pale face. He raised an eyebrow in confusion before handing me my payment. They closed the door and left.

"Ms. Jones?" I stared at the door as my assistance came in.

"Yea?"

"How was that one?"

"Normal."

"Really?"

"Yea, she collects balls for her dad."

* * *

_Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, been kinda working on Battle of Hearts, getting those last chapters finished and all. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did. For all of you who don't know, Yuffie was an optional character in the game, and she stole Cloud's group's materia to restore her home town, that's what she means back "Balls." and Mrs. Jones thinks she means real "balls". Just a note for slow people. And the whole "Mastered balls." and Developing ones" I had to pick at Tifa it was just too good to pass up. _

_Until Next time._

_Tifa Lockheart is nexted_

_Mage-Chan_


	7. Big Boobs

_Welcome back. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been going through my moods lately. This is a Christmas Present to you guys for all the wonderful reviews. I'm glad you like the story I have enjoyed writing it. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Sorry if this chapter sucks I've been going through a writers block with this one. I hope you enjoy it. send me some love. _

* * *

**Chapter seven: The Big Boobed physco woman**

It hurt, but it needed to be done. I banged my head on my desk over and over again trying to make sense of this horrific nightmare that I had gotten myself into. I glanced at my notebook, and sighed.

**Subject: Barret Wallace**

_Diagnosed with Tourette syndrome._

_Status: Making good progress came in last week for another secession was politely refused._

**Subject: Sephiroth**

_Diagnosed with Insanity_

_Status: in a mental hospital, heard about a breakout last week. _

**Subject: Cid Highwind**

_Diagnosed with depression and suffering from Mid-life Crisis_

_Status: Flying an airship around and landing it on other peoples cars, sued last week._

**Subject: Hojo**

_Diagnosed with "The magic stick." More like the freakin' magic drugs._

**Subject: Cloud Strife**

_Diagnosed with "Identity Crisis." Can't remember who he is, and talks to chochobo's. He's raising them now. I should give him mine. _

**Subject: Yuffie**

_Diagnosed: sex starved. Plays with balls, collects them for her father, but uses protection._

_Status: collecting balls, growing them, mastering them._

"Ms. Jones?" I closed the notebook and looked up. "Tifa Lockheart is here to see you." I lit up a cigarette as the chocobo warked.

"Who's Ms. Jones?" I asked as I blew out smoke. He looked at her hoping I was joking. "Seriously? Who's that?" Gulping he looked out of the room and then back at me.

"You are."

"I am?"

"Yes."

"WARK."

"wark." _DAMN it! Now I'm talking to the damn bird! Fucking ass bastard cloud is rubbing off on me! I'm Ms. Jones! People pay me to tell them what's wrong with them! Damn it! I need a vacation._

"Send the bitch in!" _DAMN IT! Now I'm randomly cussing! _"Mother )((&$$$&&(&(()(&&&$$$$&&(())+)+))(())(&(&(&(&(&)!" He stood there staring in horror at me. "What the fuck is your problem. Send her in like I ()&&$$&&(I)(&$$#&()(& told you too!"

"Hello?"

"Are you Mrs. Lockheart?"

"Yea."

"Well don't stand in the fucking door all day, sit your ass down!" She closed the door and shoved my assistance out the door. "Sorry about the mess." I said as she just gave me a small smile. "Ok, let's start with the basics, do you know what's wrong with you?" She looked surprised.

"There's nothing wrong with me." I laughed then started coughing.

"You wouldn't be here if there wasn't anything wrong with you. Ok well we'll start with the basics, inkblots. I hold up a card and you tell me what you see." I held up the first one.

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Aeris dying."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Aeris dying a horrible painful death."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"Cloud."

"That bitch! She got what she deserved I'm happy that she died!" I grinned as she snarled at the picture.

"It seems you have a crush on Cloud."

"Do not! He's my childhood friend." My grin only widen as I looked at her distress and wrote something down on my notepad.

"Who is Aeris?"

"The bitch that stole Cloud from me! She's nothing but a bitch! I don't care if she did help us save the world! I had Cloud first! NOT her! She's just a happy, goody-two shoes that walked into our lives and ruined it! Then she died. Causing everybody to be all sad, and then Cloud refuses to get over her!" I sighed closing my eyes. "So you liked Cloud first, then this chick Aeris comes in, mooches on your buy makes him think that she likes him, and then dies, forcing him never to get over her." She nodded smiling at me.

"You understand me?" something bounced. My eye twitched.

"Are those real?" She raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"Is what real?"

"Those things on your chest. How in the hell do you stand up?"

"Of course their real."

"Well, one's leaking."

"What? Oh no not again. Do you mind if I fill it up."

"Go ahead." She started popping and squeezing and pulled out one of her "lady lumps."

"A water balloon?" She nodded and looked up.

"Their my secret weapons." I nodded.

"Why?"

"Cause guys like big boobs, don't tell anyone but I have breast cancer and they were removed, so now I have these!"

"Uh-huh, so you like Cloud and a girl name Aeris came in a stole him from you." She finished filling up another balloon.

"Yea." I turned away to retrieve something from my desk and I heard a small pop. Water rushed out at me, I screamed in horror as her other one popped and it was like white water rafting in my own office.

"God )((&&&((((&&&$#$$$&&&()++)(()(&&&&&)&U()&(&&&((&()&)(&(+." I screamed as the chocobo warked in terror. I hung onto my desk as the water rushed around me. Gripping it as tightly as I could I stared at her.

"Sorry it popped."

"You're right there's nothing wrong with you either, damnit. Open the door and leave!" She jumped off her chair and swam to the door; she pulled it open as whoosh, all the water when flying into the halls. I lay there in the middle of the wet dripping office staring up at the ceiling.

"Ms. Jones?"

"Can I ask you a question, would I look more attractive with bigger boobs?"

* * *

_Merry Christmas. Aeris is up next. _


End file.
